Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
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Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Meow
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.