Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
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If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol