Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
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Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
🤣🤣
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
This is not me but this is me
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Thinking about Jeff
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”