Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
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Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.