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Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Thursday
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are