Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
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I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
6: are snakes just neck?
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I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish