Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
You Might Also Like
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.