Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Who knew!
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Wikigenius
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.