I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?