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me
wife
me
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me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Dolls on drugs
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
Only a mother’s love …
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.