interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
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Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly