I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.