I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”đ
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I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regularâŚ
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
My 9YO told me she didnât think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be âat least 70â to watch that and Iâm just like hell yeah she thinks Iâm under 70.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
*first day as salsa dancer
âIâm not cleaning this up.â
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?
7-year-old: Donuts.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I wonât need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Your email signature says âbest regardsâ mine says “alrighty thenâ we are not the same.
Iâve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Everyone has that one friend theyâve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but itâs too late to ask
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my carâs way of saying I donât need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment Iâve ever had with my wife.
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad ideaâhow’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and thatâs when i realized that maybe religion wasnât the right thing for me.
Do you ever look at someone and think âgod, youâre so amazingâ I mean even when theyâre sleeping and youâre hidden in their closet…