I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
You Might Also Like
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
This anagram machine is out of order.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
They’re really bad with fonts.