While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
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I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
An odd boast
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
My last name is Zilla.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.