Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
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Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts