Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
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Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.