NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
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ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Cats (2019)
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Does your wife know you’re single?
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.