[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
This is amazing.
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”