I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
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ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
bought wrong eggs
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔