9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
You Might Also Like
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
One venti cheeseburger please.
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.