[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
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*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
I have questions??
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If you breakdance you buy dance.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
They don’t serve bacon on airplanes cause pigs are on the no fry list
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow