Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
You Might Also Like
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Only Americans understand
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.