I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.