You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
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My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
This could be us but you eatin’
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake