BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
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Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
🤣😂🤣
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.