That’s what I call a flat tire
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Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Reporter: *ports again*
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!