Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
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Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Leaving the Barbers like
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.