When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
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[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Sticker placement is key.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much