Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
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there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.