Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.