*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
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I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob