What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
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Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Is this a threat?
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg