* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
You Might Also Like
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.