My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
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I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.