(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.