I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
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“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow