You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
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Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.