Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
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What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
#Caturday
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I put the hot in psychotic.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
sorry I can’t come to work today, my dog finally caught a bird this morning and I’m going to need the next 2-6 weeks to emotionally recover
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.