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I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose