My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
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Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
new year update: losing everything but weight
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.