it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
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“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.