Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
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Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Autocarrot sucks!
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.