In space, no one can hear…
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[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Not😆🤣
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon