when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
You Might Also Like
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him