*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
You Might Also Like
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.