People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
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The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
me before I type out affect or effect
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.