Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
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me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
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Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
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host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
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ANGELS: [confused applause]
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#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
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ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
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ME: ok now i’m bummed again
Day 27 without sports:
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[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”