My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
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Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
Oceanography is all about current events
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
pictures of spider-man
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.