If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and